Who Am I?

It's almost midnight. Everyone in my house is asleep. I should be asleep but this is the first minute I've had alone all day. And I need it. I've been doing some thinking lately. With the kids out of school for the summer, my days are completely consumed with them. Feeding them, breaking up their fights, entertaining them, listening to their stories, helping Grace with meds and chest pt's...and the list goes on and on. So, this has stirred some thought within me lately. WHO AM I?????

A few nights ago I lie awake in bed thinking about this question. I know what I used to be passionate about. I know what I used to love. But that was 9 years ago before the kids starting coming. Since my first was born I feel like I've lost a little piece of myself with each one. I'm not complaining. I wouldn't change a thing. I am blessed beyond measure to have these little people in my life... I'm just not sure who I am anymore.

The babies will start preschool in a month. 5 hours of alone time EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I think it is time to find out what this woman is all about again.

The following will be on my agenda:

1. Start writing children's books again and start submitting to publishers

2. Learn new techniques for jewelry making

3. Be a better blogger

I'll let you know what I find out.

Need some inspiration?

Today is a special day...April 28th

I can't believe my Gracie just turned 7 years old. I say that in the same sense that other parents do now...but a few years ago I just wasn't sure. She has been our angel in every sense of the word. Having her has changed me, my perspective on life and what really matters to me. In some ways I feel like I'm more hardened to life now, less outgoing and less friendly. Many days I just don't feel like wasting time when there are so many things to be done. This is a shame, because I know I miss out of so many of the tiny details...the little moments that make you pause and catch a glimpse into your children's or your own soul. But having Gracie has changed me in other ways, too. When I hear a story of a mother that gives birth to a sick baby, or a story about a child that is struggling with illness, I am touched. More deeply than I ever knew I could be. She has taught me to FEEL. Truly feel and hurt for other's pain, sorrows and struggles.

On the morning of her birthday, April 28th, I lie in bed. I heard the kids stirring. Craig got up and showered. I just lied in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking about this very morning, 7 years ago. I was frozen with the memory. Craig met the kids in the kitchen. I could hear him getting out pans and asking Gracie what she would like for breakfast. I knew I should be the one in there. I should be greeting her with a huge "Happy Birthday!" but instead I was in bed wiping the tears from my eyes. It amazed me how painful it was to recall the events of April 28th, 2003 and the months that would follow. I knew I should make myself remember it all. Feel the pain again. Because when I had remembered every last detail that I could recall, I felt nothing but gratitude. She was allowed to live, to be an important part of our family. She was here to love us and to teach us and to make us laugh, everyday.

I am so grateful to be Gracie's mother.

Walk on the Wild Side

I can't believe it has been 10 years since I finished up at BYU. I didn't end up that far away but my trips to campus seldom. Only once every year or two. When I do get back there, I always get the same strange, home-sick feeling that reminds me of another life I once lived. Sort-of surreal. One part of campus that always pulls me back is the Monte L. Bean Museum.

There is a reptile show several times a week where your kids can pet snakes, turtles or huge lizards. Heads and full-body mounts adorn the entire 2 story building. It feels like a huge, dead zoo. I love it. My kids love it. Even Craig loves it.

You should check it out while your kids are off track, for a family night or just for something to do! Call ahead or check website for hours of reptile shows....you don't want to miss it!

Valentine's Party

I hate how crowded and impossible it is to have a date on Valentine's Day. This led to our family changing the dynamics of our Valentine's Day into a day of love for the entire family to share.

Every year we make homemade pizzas(heart shaped, of course,) everyone's favorite junk food, and rasberry sherbet mixed with sprite to drink. We go around the table and tell what we love most about each other while we pig out.

I enjoy it thoroughly, as do the kids.

True Love

I've been thinking a lot lately about my marriage and my family. I remember as a teenager lying in bed at night thinking about my future. I thought about who I would marry, how many kids I would have, where we would live. Everything has turned out much different than I ever thought. I never imagined living in Utah married to a 6'2" red-headed stud who is absolutely passionate about hunting. (Which hasn't always been easy for me.) I did imagine having lots of kids, but never considered all the challenges that would come with that...for them and me. I DID imagine getting pregnant, having a babies, taking them for walks, trips to the library, helping out in their classrooms, trips to the zoo and making cookies together.

Somehow, in my thoughts of the future, I never pictured administering over 20 pills a day, along with vests that shake my child violently while she breathes from a mask to help clear her lungs. I never pictured having twins pulled from my tummy via c-section and staring at a cleft-lip that marred my baby girl's beautiful face. I never considered the stress that insurance issues and downfalls in the economy would cause in a marriage. I just never did.

I also never imagined going to bed each night staring at a man that owns my heart. I never imagined feeling so much joy and pride seeing my children run home from the bus together laughing till the cry. I never imagined waking up to burnt toast and watered down orange juice in bed or 3 year old twins that love to dip dino chicken nuggets in their milk...but these are the things that make my life full of joy. Knowing that I can be with them forever. Knowing that no matter what twists and turns life may bring....I will always have them.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Basketball

Isn't it interesting the way our children decide what new things they want to be involved in and then they go for it! No fear. No hesitation. Just do it! I love it. I really look up to my kids for that. I guess I'm not so much the mom that says, "You have to pick something and stick with it." Maybe I should be that way more. But part of me can relate to them wanting to try everything. I want to try everything, too! I really feel that when they find their true love, that their passion and excitement for that find, whatever it may be, will drive them to excel at it.

So far, Lizzie has tried soccer, piano, swimming, baseball, ballet, gymnastics, tumbling, and basketball. She's enjoyed them all but could take or leave most. She's recently informed me that she can't live with basketball. (I was hoping for softball...oh well.) So basketball it is...And boy is she good at it!